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While inspecting boxes for transfer to my new humidor, I found a suspicious hole in one of the cigars from an old 1999 Padrón 1964 Anniversario sampler (it came out of the "A"-sized Padrón 1964 Anniversario). Then I heard a tiny little voice coming from a tobacco beetle larva:
Me: Hey! Who are you?? WTF are you doing??
Chuckie: My name's Chuckie, who the hell are you?
Me: I'm Andrew, and you're eating and crapping on my aged cigars! You little bung-stain!
Chuckie: Listen up, soft-body. I was here first, where the hell do you get off picking on a newborn? I...
Me: Takes a lot of balls for a grub to call someone else "soft-body"
Chuckie: Don't interrupt me, panty-waste. Here's how it is. I was on this leaf long before you came into the picture.
(Chuckie munches on a chunk of maduro wrapper tobacco, and continues)
Chuckie: I was born here. I live here. I'm gonna to die here. Shut the lid on that box of cigars, and piss off.
Me: Oh, you're going to die here alright, that's for sure.
Chuckie: Are you threatening me, you festering pig's anus? You can't touch me -- I'm protected under the Endangered Species Act. Lick my larva ass.
Me: I've never talked to a tobacco beetle before, and now I can't say that I've missed much...
Chuckie: Screw you, hairless monkey. I'm gonna eat this precious cigar of yours, see, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Me: You know, Chuckie, doesn't look like you move very quickly...
Chuckie: Yeah? So what?
Me: Better limber up, Chuckie... let's see if you can outrun the flame
(cigar gets snipped, foot torched, and the race begins)
Chuckie: WTF?!?! You can't do this! My lawyer.... Aiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee
Me: Muhahahahah... run, Chuckie, run!!!
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